Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me