@mattwhitlockPM

dear apps that shut off my music when i open them: just how important do you think you are

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@crlockha

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

@EJGomez

bicycle cop: im taking you to jail

me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you

[segway cop just dying laughing]

@galiamango

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

@Livsey1

If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome..

@cornlog

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

@Holy_Mowgli

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

@jenlaw_11

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

@mommywhitfield

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

@kelkulus

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

@pmclellan

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.