I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
dear apps that shut off my music when i open them: just how important do you think you are
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bicycle cop: im taking you to jail
me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you
[segway cop just dying laughing]
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
If a crackhouse is filled with love, it becomes a crackhome..
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.