Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
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You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.