Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
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construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
August 8
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
How long do you have to wait between naps?
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics