“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
You Might Also Like
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Text from husband: Where are you at?
Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I swapped my wife’s tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..
Him: Sometimes you can be a little… loud.
Me: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I AM A DELICATE FLOWER
ME: A restful night’s sleep sounds nice
BRAIN: Here’s a dream about an owl with teeth
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this