Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
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Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart