@MarshallMcFar11

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

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@DannyZuker

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

@TheBoydP

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

@XOperfectmessXO

Nothing screams passive agressive quite like letting your spouse sleep in, while also letting the kids play loudly outside the bedroom door

@ItsSamG

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

@farleftcoast

Text from husband: Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.

@knot_eye

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

@TheCamelToe_

I swapped my wife’s tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..

@theshantilly

Him: Sometimes you can be a little… loud.

Me: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I AM A DELICATE FLOWER

@thestlouisan

ME: A restful night’s sleep sounds nice

BRAIN: Here’s a dream about an owl with teeth

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this