Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

You Might Also Like


Cop 1: “The victim has a dozen bullet wounds to the head, Sarge”

Sarge: *Can’t remember what a dozen means*

Sarge: “Clearly suicide, bag him up”


*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*


It turns out no one likes “the real me” and they have asked the priest to reverse my exorcism.


[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?


coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar


[Frat party]


CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.


Why is it called a broken pelvis and not a hipwreck?


My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.


Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal


(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)