Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
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Finally, an explanation.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
my dog when i have a friend over
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.