@Crunk_Jews

Dear Autocorrect,

She’s an amazing woman not an amazon woman.

Thanks.

And now I’m never getting laid.

You Might Also Like

@AKcrazy18

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

@DrakeGatsby

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

@LoveNLunchmeat

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

@FunnerGunner

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said, “I wanna watch.”

@BuckyIsotope

*being pulled away by security from flamingo pen at the zoo with a handful of pink feathers and a black eye*
HE STARTED IT

@LOsepyan

If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be incredibly broke.

@peteec

Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

@kelkulus

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

@armyantstudios

My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I’ve been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.