Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
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Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!