Dear Autocorrect,

She’s an amazing woman not an amazon woman.


And now I’m never getting laid.

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I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind


Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!


*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*


My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said, “I wanna watch.”


*being pulled away by security from flamingo pen at the zoo with a handful of pink feathers and a black eye*


If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I’d be incredibly broke.


Jim Lehrer is moderating this debate with the skill of an NFL replacement referee.


{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??


Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.


My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I’ve been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.