Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
You Might Also Like
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
some things should go without saying
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
New menu item
Just this preview of the story is enough
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it