Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
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My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Last-minute gift idea!
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…