Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
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If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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S U I N G ✅
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.