@ag_loco

Dear Canadians,

Who’s the cutest little nation?
You are!
Yes you are!

*pinches cheeks*

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

@manda_tee1

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

@Kalarlis

When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact

@BlindChow

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

@JohnHilsen

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

@BlairLoudly

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

@inmynewskin

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

@ericsshadow

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.