Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
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Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I wanna be friends with this person
Terribly Tuesday.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Eat…
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys