Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Who’s the cutest little nation?
Yes you are!
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A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.