Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
My purse is deeper than some people.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.