Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro.
What did we learn?
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
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Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
girl came up to me at LAX and said i looked familiar so i said prob from twitter? she was like omg yea so she took my phone to add me on ig snap etc. then left for her gate, entire flight home i felt like the man but i just landed and bro she cashapp’d herself $500 from my acct
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
*notices person behind me won’t let people merge*
*slows down and lets 12 people merge in front of me*
WIFE: omg the FBI
ME: thats just female body inspectors
W: why are they here
M: probably all those female bodies we buried
W: o yah lol
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.