@dance_blessed

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

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@WilliamAder

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

@RickAaron

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

@TheCiscoKidder

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

@RafaelaStoakes

If a kid asks you to check under the bed for monsters & you look, scream & run out of the room, you wont be asked to baby sit again!

@SoulYodeler

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

@jenstatsky

Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I’d like to steal from a bank.

@JustCaseyAF

I told my kids it was Easter today. They’ve been outside for 7 hours looking for eggs

@AimeeHelene1

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

@Elizasoul80

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

@markleggett

People who push and shove to get on a flight before other passengers are possibly going to get to their end destination one second faster.