@dance_blessed

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

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@YourAnMoron

Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro.
What did we learn?

@longwall26

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

@Disalmanac

Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it.

@iscoff

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

@IvoryGazelle

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

@bocxtop

girl came up to me at LAX and said i looked familiar so i said prob from twitter? she was like omg yea so she took my phone to add me on ig snap etc. then left for her gate, entire flight home i felt like the man but i just landed and bro she cashapp’d herself $500 from my acct

@decentbirthday

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

@TheMichaelRock

*notices person behind me won’t let people merge*

*slows down and lets 12 people merge in front of me*

@RoosterMustache

WIFE: omg the FBI

ME: thats just female body inspectors

W: why are they here

M: probably all those female bodies we buried

W: o yah lol

@KrunkedRobot

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.