Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

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My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.


Ladies, here’s a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.


Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.


I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?


friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more


FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean


I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.


Female dragonflies will fake their own death if faced w/ unwanted attention from a male dragonfly.

You can learn so much from nature


Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.


Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.