Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

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When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.


I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.


I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.


If a kid asks you to check under the bed for monsters & you look, scream & run out of the room, you wont be asked to baby sit again!


When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.


Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I’d like to steal from a bank.


I told my kids it was Easter today. They’ve been outside for 7 hours looking for eggs


When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*


Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”


People who push and shove to get on a flight before other passengers are possibly going to get to their end destination one second faster.