@dance_blessed

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

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@HatfieldAnne

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

@JeremyKCMO

Ladies, here’s a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.

@spacej_me

Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.

@Sarcasmo718

I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?

@EvilHeart20

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

@50FirstTates

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

@HenpeckedHal

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

@Cryptic1iam

Female dragonflies will fake their own death if faced w/ unwanted attention from a male dragonfly.

You can learn so much from nature

@prufrockluvsong

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

@impJOKER

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.