Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
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Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂