Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
You Might Also Like
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours