@rickolantern

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

@bigmacher

#ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I’m going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!

@longwall26

Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you

@lovejulieacafe

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

@tweetsvisual

This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

@BraandoCommando

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please