@rickolantern

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

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@GrowlyGrego

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

@Tmoney68

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

@TheNardvark

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

@GerryDuggan

Imagine PREDATOR is a sequel to E.T. Now enjoy both films more.

@No_Job_Joe

My boss just fired me because I spent the past 45 minutes taking a crap. I don’t see why he can’t just clean it off his desk, and move on.

@ArfMeasures

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

@pleatedjeans

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

@UnicornSyrup

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

@patnelke

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.