If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
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How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
#ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I’m going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please