Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

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[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.


So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?


One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.


Imagine PREDATOR is a sequel to E.T. Now enjoy both films more.


My boss just fired me because I spent the past 45 minutes taking a crap. I don’t see why he can’t just clean it off his desk, and move on.


[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me


Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people


My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.


My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.