Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
You Might Also Like
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Sending in my taxes
My spirit animal is fried chicken
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Wednesday
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?