
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
#ItsTheEndOfTheWorldAnd I’m going to run with scissors and swim immediately after eating!!!
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
excuse me
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please