Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
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My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit