Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
You Might Also Like
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
What even happened today?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
He took my last fry, your honor
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.