what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
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Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
You can’t outrun your problems…
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message