Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
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Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting