Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
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The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Canada has crack?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now