Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

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I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”


I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.


Doctor: Have you quit smoking yet?
Me: Has there been a string of unsolved murders in the news?
Doctor: No.
Me: Then, no, I haven’t.


Never laugh at a toddlers joke unless you want to hear it repeated 425 more times.


gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious


Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab


I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.


Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.


At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.