Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
You Might Also Like
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Happy Caturday!
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
We avoided this particular disaster
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores