“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
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I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.