@KyloR3n

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

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@NetHistorian

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

@ddsmidt

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

@netw3rk

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

@pro_worrier_

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

@hippieswordfish

absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh

@krisv_723

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

@SirEviscerate

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

@Serious_Law_Guy

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

@SladeWentworth

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

@maconthemoose

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.