dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

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Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.


I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.


so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it


Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.


absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh


Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.


DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah


Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.


Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.


Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.