Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
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Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
What
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.