Dear diary,

My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him.

Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected.

Dating is bull shit

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Don’t email me a link to a 6 minute youtube video. I wouldn’t watch a video that long if in contained clues to solve my own murder.


What idiot called it “the clap” and not “dishonorable discharge?”


My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.


-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.


the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING


Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.


Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.


If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or