@furrrizzle

Dear diary,

My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him.

Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected.

Dating is bull shit

You Might Also Like

@buck4itt

Don’t email me a link to a 6 minute youtube video. I wouldn’t watch a video that long if in contained clues to solve my own murder.

@Vodkantots

What idiot called it “the clap” and not “dishonorable discharge?”

@mela_shea

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

@bakedbrotatoes

-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.

@sbellelauren

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

@MissMalbec

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

@lecalabara

Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.

@KattsDogma

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or