Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
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Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….