Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
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[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next