Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Who’s ready for Friday?!
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
God, I love Scotland
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back