Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
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me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
#Caturday
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you