Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
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When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Tom work hard.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.