@wittwitbarista

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

You Might Also Like

@msdanifernandez

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

@stockejock

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

@dafloydsta

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

@9to5Life

Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.

@The_MartiniGirl

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

@AdviceFromDino

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

@Average_Dad1

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

@truegritrumble

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

@Tmoney68

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.