Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
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My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
SF is the wild wild west man