Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
How to Train Your Dragon was not the instructional movie I was hoping for since acquiring a Komodo dragon
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SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”
STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.