@Mr_Kapowski

Dear Dreamworks,

How to Train Your Dragon was not the instructional movie I was hoping for since acquiring a Komodo dragon

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@tastefactory

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

@UncleDuke1969

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

@iwearaonesie

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

@daemonic3

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

@Kryzazy

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

@CantWaitToNap

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

@PeteSnacks

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

@Dawn_M_

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

@TheBoydP

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.