I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
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My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Sticker placement is key.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*