@Six_Pack_Mom

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

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@tonygootana

16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.

@WeedlordKrillin

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

@PabloGSerski

Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.

@propapergirl

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

@iYoungKhalifa

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

@TheBoydP

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

@yayraptor

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking please keep your seatbelt on as we–OH MY GOD [plane flies into a giant baby mouth]

@IntergalacticQ

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

@RunwayDan

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.