Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
These are my emotional support Pringles.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.