Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

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[in bed]
me: can i share something without being judged

date: um ok sure what is it

me: i… i have a foot fetish

date: oh that’s not that weird i-

me: *placing her exactly 12 inches from me* ohhhh yeah that’s the stuff


I’m mad at myself for losing an argument while rehearsing it in my head, so don’t tell me how hard your life is


[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change


My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.


I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.


The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.


Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug


The Les Miserables sequel is so much better. Hugh Jackman has knives in his hands and fights a bunch of ninjas and shit. No singing at all!!