Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@captainkalvis

[in bed]
me: can i share something without being judged

date: um ok sure what is it

me: i… i have a foot fetish

date: oh that’s not that weird i-

me: *placing her exactly 12 inches from me* ohhhh yeah that’s the stuff

@PoliUncorrect

I’m mad at myself for losing an argument while rehearsing it in my head, so don’t tell me how hard your life is

@ThugRaccoons

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

@carlyken

My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.

@pabstdriver

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

@PinkCamoTO

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

@home_bleep_home

My name is Inigo Ducktoya.
You ate our father.
Prepare to die.

@DaHess1

The Les Miserables sequel is so much better. Hugh Jackman has knives in his hands and fights a bunch of ninjas and shit. No singing at all!!