A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
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Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.