@funflaps: Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
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@Brianhopecomedy: After I saw that my wife "Checked In" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
@salamingia: I feel bad for airport security workers. I'm going to make their job easier today by not wearing underwear.
@Jamie1947: Things I Suck At: 1. straws, ha ha jk lol 2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I'm really terrible at this 3. straws, haha same joke as before