Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
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DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Otters see a butterfly.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.