Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
You Might Also Like
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork