Dear family,
Since I am unemployed, for Christmas you have a choice of a hug or I’ll rap Eminem songs for 5 minutes for you.
Love, Danielle

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I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely


I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.


[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”


i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.


I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line


I hate when I buy new shoes,

and I have to learn to drive all over again.


Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here


garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move


In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”


My hamster, Max, was involved in a terrible accident. He must have fallen asleep at the wheel.