Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.