Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
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Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
good work, detective
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>