Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.