Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
You Might Also Like
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft