@CulturedRuffian

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

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@jlock17

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

@blainecapatch

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

@NicestHippo

I only eat in two situations: when I’m hungry and when I’m not hungry

@ItsAndyRyan

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

@Marcmywords2

It’s all fun and games till a Murder Hornet gets caught under your mask.

@_salt_n_lime

When she tells you she’s a dirty girl and you get the pictures and realize she meant she never cleans her house.

@Los01001111

The best trick the devil ever pulled was calling herself “him”.

@TheCatWhisprer

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’