Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
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I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
what
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can