@CulturedRuffian

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

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@hayes_t_r

*puts on layers of running gear*

*makes a ponytail*

*laces up sneakers*

*drives to McDonalds*

@JennyPentland

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

@bornmiserable

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

@MartaEffing

*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate*

*smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*

@FeelingEuphoric

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

@UncleDuke1969

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

@iwearaonesie

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair