@CulturedRuffian
@better_off_dad2
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
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@better_off_dad2
@hayes_t_r
*puts on layers of running gear*
*makes a ponytail*
*laces up sneakers*
*drives to McDonalds*
@JennyPentland
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
@bornmiserable
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
@pittdave13
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
@MartaEffing
*hears suspicious noise in backyard, is too lazy to get up & investigate*
*smells cookies baking at neighbors house, immediately goes over*
@FeelingEuphoric
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
@AnkCoupleTO
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
@UncleDuke1969
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
@iwearaonesie
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair