Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.

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Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.


Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.


No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*


Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.


She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.


Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.


i hate the outside
*invents houses*
i kinda miss it now
*invents windows*