there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
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I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain