a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.
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After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I just ran for the train so I think I’m good on running for a couple years.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree