@ItsJennaMarbles

Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.

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@sensual_dad

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

@kashanacauley

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

@Home_Halfway

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

@CrisMtzgr

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

@bobvulfov

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

@mommy_cusses

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

@AGreaterMonster

I just ran for the train so I think I’m good on running for a couple years.

@WheelTod

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

@mela_shea

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.