Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
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[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
They did not think through this water fountain
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.