@deedragonhunter

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

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@3sunzzz

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

@Parkerlawyer

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

@AlanTheWriter

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

@SaltyCorpse

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?

Anyway, I need bail money.

@RealLucasNeff

The ocean isn’t shark-infested. It’s the ocean. That’s where sharks live. We aren’t supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.

@LittleMissAngr1

Kudos to the cashier who astutely noted that “someone has a cat” while scanning the cat food I was purchasing.

@BunAndLeggings

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

@Sir_Strange

“No pressure, but my happiness is totally dependent on you.”

– soulmates

@JDBooie

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

@Vice_Queen

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.