In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
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I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?
Anyway, I need bail money.
The ocean isn’t shark-infested. It’s the ocean. That’s where sharks live. We aren’t supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.
Kudos to the cashier who astutely noted that “someone has a cat” while scanning the cat food I was purchasing.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
“No pressure, but my happiness is totally dependent on you.”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.