Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
You Might Also Like
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I was just discussing this with my cat
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?