@Momtoteens

Dear Grocery Bagger,
Please don’t put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag.
My kids don’t like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.

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@LetMeStart

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

@online_shawn

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

@MaraWilson

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

@roboticcrab

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

@TheAlexNevil

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

@squirrel74wkgn

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.