@truegritrumble
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
@Momtoteens
Dear Grocery Bagger,
Please don’t put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag.
My kids don’t like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.
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@truegritrumble
@omgthatspunny
A pun and grammar lesson in one
@LetMeStart
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
@online_shawn
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
@MaraWilson
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
@ElgatoEsmio
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
@roboticcrab
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
@AnOrangeSNES
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
@TheAlexNevil
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
@squirrel74wkgn
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.