ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Dear Grocery Bagger,
Please don’t put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag.
My kids don’t like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.
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A pun and grammar lesson in one
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.