Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
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Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.