Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
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My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.