@rickolantern

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

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@bartandsoul

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

@shutupmikeginn

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.

@ElKnuckelhombre

I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!

@joshgondelman

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

@JoshMarino420

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

@xLiserx

My adult coloring book is filled with pictures of people paying bills, washing dishes, & tugging at their belly fat in front of the mirror.

@Mom_Overboard

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

@KrangTNelson

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

@mommywhitfield

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

@Kids_kubed

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.