Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

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Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks


Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.


I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!


Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”


if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?


My adult coloring book is filled with pictures of people paying bills, washing dishes, & tugging at their belly fat in front of the mirror.


me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao


“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep


“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.


To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.