My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Kind of cruel that “stutter” has two syllables.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.