Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
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Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Mmmm canned fish.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Every. Damn. Time.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.