@rickolantern

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

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@KKBowls

My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”

@Book_Krazy

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

@weinerdog4life

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

@MandiAtRandom

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

@NikatNiteNite

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

@WilliamAder

Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.

@AndrewChamings

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

@dadmann_walking

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

@badAzz_mom

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.