Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.


[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.


Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.


[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: i’m a big fan of your work


my bf is wonderful but he will never be as soft as my roommate’s dog who moved out of the house WHY GREG WHY CAN’T YOU BE AS SOFT AS THE DOG


DATE: So what do you do?

ME (a night watchman): I’m a night—

DATE: I hope it’s something thrilling

ME: —shyamalan


My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.


i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on


[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright


“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”