Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
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Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I’d hang this in my house.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.