Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
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Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?