It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
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Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Why is this me 😫